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Alchemist
Original Poster
#51 Old 20th Mar 2013 at 5:41 PM
Me: Wow, it's the first time something good happened in my life. Maybe it isn't so bad.
Life: LOL, give me a second.

If you remember me, I'm awesome!
__________
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Forum Resident
#52 Old 14th Apr 2013 at 11:25 AM
It was a dark and stormy night. A burglar pries open a window on an isolated farm house and climbs into the living room of the apparently unoccupied home. Suddenly, he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching!" He nearly jumps out of his skin, and drops his flashlight. He hits the floor almost as fast as the flashlight. Then, he hears that weird voice again. "Jesus is watching!" He picks up the flashlight and shines it in the general direction of the voice. It's a parrot! "Hello", says the parrot, "My name's Methusalah!" Feeling vastly relieved, the burglar wonders aloud, "What kind of people would name a parrot Methusalah?" "The same kind that would name a pit bull Jesus", says the parrot.
Banned
#53 Old 28th Apr 2013 at 7:03 PM
If hemorrhoids get really bad do they turn into sledge hemorrhoids?
Lab Assistant
#54 Old 26th Jan 2014 at 8:48 AM
why couldn't the two year old get into the pirate movie... it was rated ARR

i <3 acacia
Test Subject
#55 Old 17th Mar 2014 at 11:42 PM
Wat I would write to Math:
Dear Math,
I am not a psychiatrist. Solve your own problems.
~Jade
Alchemist
Original Poster
#56 Old 18th Mar 2014 at 8:51 AM
Math problems:
1. Observe the problem
2. Try to understand the problem
3. Cry

If you remember me, I'm awesome!
__________
Need help building? We'll help.
Instructor
#57 Old 18th Mar 2014 at 2:52 PM
Mine could offend DEVOTED CHRISTIANS and NUNS so open at your own risk.


Me, me, me against them, me against enemies, me against friends, somehow they all seem to become one, a sea full of sharks and they all smell blood.
Instructor
#58 Old 18th Mar 2014 at 10:36 PM
This one is kind of stupid but it was my favorite when I was little.

Q: What has 3 heads, 8 legs, 2 tails, 1 beak, 4 hooves, 2 wings, and 2 bellybuttons?


♫ She's got sunset on her breath, I inhaled just a little bit now I got no fear of death ♫
Mad Poster
#59 Old 18th Mar 2014 at 10:48 PM
This one was very popular with my fellow political science majors at university, not sure how funny it actually is (we were an odd group! )

Politics is a compound word that comes from two smaller words: "Poly", meaning many, and "Ticks," meaning small bloodsucking insects.
Theorist
#60 Old 19th Mar 2014 at 1:40 AM
If "pro" is the opposite of "con" then what is the opposite of "progress?"
Scholar
#61 Old 19th Mar 2014 at 4:50 AM
Three men get convicted of a crime and are sentenced to 20 years in prison. They are each allowed one luxury. The first one says "I'll have 20 years worth of booze please" which is granted. The second man says "I'll have 20 years worth of chocolate please", this is granted too. The third man says "I'll have 20 years worth of fags please", this is also granted.

Twenty years later they get released. The first man says "I wish I hadn't drunk so much and damaged my liver." The second man says "I wish I hadn't eaten so much chocolate and got so fat." The third man says
Top Secret Researcher
#62 Old 19th Mar 2014 at 4:41 PM
Quote: Originally posted by Dizzy-noodles
The third man says "I'll have 20 years worth of fags please", this is also granted.


English meaning or American meaning?
Scholar
#63 Old 21st Mar 2014 at 3:19 AM
Quote: Originally posted by hugbug993
English meaning or American meaning?


English, ie. cigarettes
Instructor
#64 Old 21st Mar 2014 at 4:01 PM
But would 20 years of drinking alcohol be more damaging that 20 years of smoking cigarettes?

Me, me, me against them, me against enemies, me against friends, somehow they all seem to become one, a sea full of sharks and they all smell blood.
Scholar
#65 Old 21st Mar 2014 at 8:41 PM
Hehe, this one's from junior school that everybody knew:

There's and American, a German and a Frenchman. They are told to have the colours green, pink and yellow in each of their stories.
(What ever the American and German came up with, it is considered a normal answer). The Frenchman however, goes: "Today I wake up, I hear the telephone go green! I pink it up and go yellow!"

Ooh here are a few terrible ones:

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies!

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick!
Field Researcher
#66 Old 26th Mar 2014 at 11:23 AM
was having a catchup with my friend last night, we had a few drinks as well. we were talking and I asked him if he could make up a joke on the spot, this is all he could give me:

one day a cat walked into a restaurant, with his tongue out drooling, but didnt meow. blind man says "some cat just strolled up in here and licked my face" the woman next to him said "thats one cute puppy" it's owner said "come here baby" the village idiot replied "thats one hairy baby"

for some reason, i couldnt stop laughing until i fell asleep.
Scholar
#67 Old 27th Mar 2014 at 11:18 AM
Quote: Originally posted by Gabrymato
But would 20 years of drinking alcohol be more damaging that 20 years of smoking cigarettes?


Yes, but that's not the point of the joke.
Inventor
#68 Old 27th Mar 2014 at 3:20 PM Last edited by StupidFlanders : 8th May 2014 at 5:38 AM.
Im pretty sure someone could have lent him a lighter, a lot of people smoke.
Lab Assistant
#69 Old 28th Mar 2014 at 10:53 PM
Want to hear a dirty joke?
A pig rolling in the mud.

Want ti hear a clean joke?
The same pig taking a shower.
Scholar
#70 Old 4th May 2014 at 4:41 PM
Have you hear about the blonde psychologist?
She'll blow you're mind.
Scholar
#71 Old 7th May 2014 at 3:13 AM
Why did the redneck cross the road?
He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken quick enough.
Forum Resident
#72 Old 7th May 2014 at 11:50 PM Last edited by Mammal : 8th May 2014 at 12:01 AM.
This is my go-to joke, mostly because it's the only clean joke I can ever remember off the top of my head.

Q. What's the difference between America and yogurt?

A. If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll develop a culture.

EDIT: And here's two good dirty ones!

A Scot, an Irishman, and an Englishman are stranded on an island populated by cannibals. They're captured and taken to the Cannibal King, who tells them "we are going to kill and eat you, unless you can pass the test of manhood!" Before the three men can ask what it is, he sends them out into the jungle to collect 20 pieces of fruit each.

The Scot arrives first, carrying twenty apples. "To pass the test of manhood, you must put all 20 apples into your anus without making any faces!" The poor Scot can't even fit one apple in his butt, and he is killed and eaten.

The Irishman shows up next, with 20 grapes. The Cannibal King tells him the same thing: "You must put all 20 grapes into your anus,without making any faces." This is an easy task, and one by one, the Irishman puts the grapes in his ass. He's got one left, and he suddenly bursts out laughing. He is killed and eaten.

The Scot is waiting for the Irishman in heaven, and he's furious! "You were so close! One left, and you ruined it! What happened?"

"I saw the Englishman coming," said the Irishman, "And he had pineapples."

---

Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar, bragging about the elasticity of their nether regions.

"I can fuck 5 sailors at once," says the first prostitute.

"20 sailors!" says the second. "That's nothing! I can fit a man's leg in me, up to the knee!"

The third prostitute just smiles, and slides down the stool.

"If I be waspish, best beware my sting."
Test Subject
#73 Old 9th May 2014 at 3:47 AM
I love hearing a good steak pun. It's a rare medium well done.
Mad Poster
#74 Old 20th May 2014 at 6:52 AM
Joss Whedon, Steven Moffat, and George R.R. Martin walk into a bar.
Everyone you've ever loved dies.

Welcome to the Dark Side...
We lied about having cookies.
Scholar
#75 Old 22nd May 2014 at 2:51 PM Last edited by efolger997 : 22nd May 2014 at 4:27 PM.
Okay so I found some on Tumblr

Why did the hero flush the toilet? Because it was his duty!

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce. They're with their lawyers, and Mickey's asks him, "So, Mister Mouse, it says here that you want to divorce your wife because she is..." He fixes his glasses. "Incredibly silly?" Mickey crosses his arms. "No, I want to divorce her because she is fucking Goofy."

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French bathroom? Linoleum Blown Apart

ETA:

Frankenstein enters into a body building competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective

'Live each day like it's your last because I'm gonna kill you but I'm not super good w/schedules'

I don't understand why it's illegal to have sex with miners. They provide us with coal & they deserve a little fun.

also my Pinterest humor board has over 4,000 pins

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
bleed-in-ink.tumblr.com
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